I Did Call a Plumber Today

Today's card is the Empress. I don't mean to make this into a thing. Where every post opens with what card I drew. But I've done it twice now so it's hard not to make it into a thing. And we don't need to talk about what that card is. What it means.

"The Empress" from Tarot of the Sweet Twilight

Today's card is the Empress but my children aren't home. It's so quiet when they're not here. The energy is different. When they're here I have so many things I want to do that I can't because I have them to care for. So that leaves painting and writing to be squeezed into the in between times of them sleeping or eating or watching a movie. And even then they want my attention. Bed time cuddles or just a chat over what they had for lunch while they eat dinner that day.

But when they're not here I'm so tired. Sure I have all this extra time now. All these things I could be doing but I just want to nap. Just sleep for hours. And when I'm not sleeping I don't want to do anything at all. Just sit and play video games and eat pie.

They are my little double edged swords. They give me drive and energy. But they sap my energy and remind me that I don't have all the time in the world. But that's ok, I miss them. It's almost as if I've trained myself to only function when they're here. And all the time in the world means nothing because I feel like it's all wasted anyway. At least when they're here anything I do feels like an accomplishment.

But still I have things to do. I have food to buy and bills to figure out. Who's getting paid and who has to wait. And in the back of my mind I'm counting the days down until my girls come home.

Sunrises and Sunsets Look the Same

            Today's card is the Ace of Pentacles. This means that there will be financial enlightenment in my future. Which is good because I've been thinking of starting a path to some ventures. Kicking the ideas around in my head. Trying to figure out how to make it all work. 

              I'm teaching myself to read tarot. This is scary to admit out loud mostly because I am not a teenager and because I've never really been one to wonder about what the universe has to say. But when you're the person that everyone else goes to for advice you have to ask someone. And I respect that the universe has a stand point and up until recently I've been uninterested in it. In a sort of punk rock metaphysical fuck the universe I'll do what I want sort of way.

             But then, I'm going to be 30 sooner rather than later and I think that the universe is trying to tell me things. Like I was interested in things when I WAS a teenager for a reason. Not just because I thought they were cool and slightly rebellious but because I liked them.

And I'm an adult and I should do the things that I like. I should be able to do the things that I want to fall in love with. I'm an adult so now I can do whatever I like.
            
            I'm an adult now so I have responsibilities too. I have children. A household. Things that need to be brought. Things that need to be replaced. But behind all of that need, need, need, now-now-now there's something else.

            Like a secret that I'm plotting out and building in my spare time. But it's scary. Because I don't know what will happen and all that need and now well that's more important isn't it? Or maybe just differently important.

           The Ace of Pentacles is about values. And I value my life. I value what I do. And I want what I do to be important an worthwhile at least to me. What good is my life if at the end of it all I did was grind the nine to five (well seven to three in my case) to ensure that I had a roof and debt. What good is that if I don't do anything? This is the time to do things. I'm not a kid anymore.

            I can do whatever I want, I just have to plan.

            So I'm becoming an artist despite what my mother wants. I'm teaching myself to read tarot because it's what I want. And I'm going to open a pet store.

            I think putting it out there is the hard part. That's the scary part. Now it's just the doing.

            Thank you universe. You don't have to badger me.